70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable