Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.