Mountain Goat : )
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
A Short Story.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery