Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I only treason on days ending in y
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: