What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.