I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
men are simple creatures
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.