We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
is this a warning or an offer?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime