My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You Might Also Like
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.