your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.