When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.