“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
You Might Also Like
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.