if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
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[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
No. He’s not coming out to play
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.