If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!