Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.