Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Print is alive and well!!!
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster