A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
You Might Also Like
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
jesus christ confetti not now
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
*pronounces fake like saké*
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.