“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
6: are snakes just neck?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions