Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
There are usually two types of merchants.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call