The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
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*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??