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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.