I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day