[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.