A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
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Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Cha-ching is my safe word
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.