All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no