Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
San Francisco has too many rules
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head