When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
forgive me baja for i have blast
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.