Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
💁🏻♂️
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.