I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.