She was rare, like a goth jogging
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free