Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
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I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*