Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable