“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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This cat wants you to take your pills
Name another movie that mislead you?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?