A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet