Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that