[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare