Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.