friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
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Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn