You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.