*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.