I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Can. I. Help. You.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”