Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
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the official breakfast of 2021
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?