[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
The little toadstool has spoken.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…