Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?