DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.