god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
$3 #books
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!