ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Worlds greatest photobomb
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.