That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
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God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties