I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Mad Max: Furry Road
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.