told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Truth
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Steam Forums
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn