You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I put the mess in domestic.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave